A Brief Guide To The Norwegian National Team

The Norwegian national side contains several vaguely high-profile players, but for every Jon Arne Riise there's a Jon Inge Høiland. Here's a quick guide to help Scotsmen and other interested parties out..:

(Year of bith, current club and number of caps in brackets)

Keepers

Rune Allmenning Jarstein (1984 - Rosenborg - 5 caps)

Talented but a bit mental shot-stopper. Has been particularly dodgy recently so will probably be dropped. 

Jon Knudsen (1974 - Stabæk - 0 caps)

Average but consistent, Knudsen is in line to make his debut for Norway at the age of 33. Won't make breathtaking, match-winning saves, but less likely to screw up than his competitors. 

Espen Johnsen (1979 - Strømsgodset - 18 caps)

The Norwegian league's undisputed king of physical comedy. Reflexes are at (the best of) times genuinely world-class, but in all other aspects he's a bit rubbish. Possibly the most gaffe-prone goalkeeper in history.

Defenders

Jon Inge Høiland (1977 - Stabæk - 14 caps)

Fairly average right-back who is there by default since pretty much every other Norwegian right-back is rubbish.

Tom Høgli (1984 - Tromsø - 2 caps) 

The only other Norwegian right-back who is anywhere near international class. Not terribly near, mind you.

Brede Hangeland (1981 - Fulham - 46 caps)

As seen in the EPL. Big, imposing defender who isn't as rubbish on the ground as his giant frame might have you think. Playing with an increasing air of authority. The best Norwegian defender by a mile.

Kjetil Wæhler (1976 - Vålerenga - 3 caps)

Hangeland's likely partner in central defense tomorrow. Solid professional, strong in the challenge but not the quickest. Dependable performer in the Norwegian league but unproven at international level.

Morten Morisbak Skjønsberg (1983 - Stabæk - 0 caps)

Posh-looking centre back who has had a good year in the Norwegian league. Still developing as a player and could well turn into a defender of international pedigree.

Atle Roar Håland (1977 - Odense - 1 cap)

Steady, dependable but really rather average centre back. Probably wouldn't be in the squad if everyone else were fit.

Jon Arne Riise (1980 - Roma - 73 caps)

Him of Champions League/Premier League/Serie A-fame. Undroppable obviously, but usually underperforms for the national team. Shouldn't attempt diving headers.

Midfielders

Christian Grindheim (1983 - Heerenveen - 19 caps)

Pudgy-looking box-to-box type midfielder. Surprisingly athletic.

Fredrik Strømstad (1982 - Le Mans - 16 caps)

Tenacious but lightweight central midfielder. Vaguely creative, can play a good through-ball. 

Alexander Tettey (1986 - Rosenborg - 2 caps)

Hard-working and athletic midfielder. Has been described as a poor man's Michael Essien, but that would have to be a very very poor, credit-crunched, living under a box man's Michael Essien in that case.

Fredrik Winsnes (1975 - Strømsgodset - 14 caps)

Cultured midfielder who, amazingly, is nearly a qualified doctor. Probably the most intelligent player in the squad in every sense of the word.

Jan Gunnar Solli (1981 - Brann - 34 caps)

The Norwegian Jermaine Jenas. Enough said.

Henning Hauger (1985- Stabæk - 3 caps)

Fairly talented all-round midfielder. Called up on the back of a solid domestic season.

Wingers

Daniel Braathen (1982 - Toulouse - 16 caps)

Lazy winger/forward who looks good on youtube, but awful in most other settings.

Erik Huseklepp (1984 - Brann - 0 caps)

Wildly unpredictable winger/comedy genius. Whenever he attempts to dribble there is at least a 50% chance he'll fall over. Probably shouldn't be in the squad, but there is a real dearth of wingers in Norway these days.

Bjørn Helge Riise (1983 - Lillestrøm - 9 caps)

Yes, his brother. The only half-decent Norwegian right-winger, has been injured for pretty much the entire season but will probably start due to the lack of viable alternatives.

Morten Gamst Pedersen (1981 - Blackburn - 42 caps)

As seen in the EPL. Has built up quite a reputation in Britain but is pretty unpopular in Norway because of his consistent awfulness in the national shirt. Will probably be dropped. Needs to have his hair-gel taken away from him. 

Forwards

John Carew (1982 - Aston Villa - 72 caps)

Battering ram-type striker, as you know. Unlike the other two big names (Riise and Gamst) Carew actually performs well for the national side, so the Norwegian public have reluctantly abandoned their regular contempt Norwegian players who gain a bit of international attention. Most of them have anyway.

Steffen Iversen (1976 - Rosenborg - 74 caps)

A much more accomplished forward now than in his Tottenham-days. Lost over 7lbs in two weeks(!) this summer when his new manager told him to stop eating hot dogs. Still a force in the air, but is much more clever in his movement and his finishing now than in his younger days.

Torstein Helstad (1977 - Le Mans - 31 caps)

Underwear-model and occasional striker who has been doing surprisingly well in France since his summer-transfer. Makes clever runs and is a cool finisher.

Tarik Elyounoussi (1988 - Heerenveen - 1 cap)

Talented forward who is just starting to make a name for himself in European football. After being the media-darling of the Norwegian league for some time he took the plunge and moved abroad this summer, and five goals in his first seven games for Heerenveen would suggest that it wasn't a bad idea.