The Last Ever Preview

Probably not, but we're feeling dramatic here at fjordball-towers tonight. It is after all the last preview of the season. Fittingly, it contains some of the very worst gags yet..

Sunday

Relegation double-whammy:

Aalesund (13th) - Lillestrøm (11th)

HamKam (14th) - Molde (10th)

Here it is, Lillestrøm's chance to make themselves even less popular (if that is even possible) with the average Norwegian fan: They could very well send Aalesund, who many neutrals have a soft spot for, down. Aalesund are just a single point above HamKam, so if they were to lose or draw here and HamKam beat Molde, the tangoshirts are off to the Adeccoliga next season.

And after their pathetic display against Lyn last weekend it's easy to draw the conclusion that this is exactly what will happen. On the other hand, HamKam were equally pathetic against Viking, so who knows. One thing that's worth keeping in mind is that most of Aalesund's points this season has come either at home or at other grounds with artificial turf, so their home-advantage is considerable.

But then there's another potential plot-twist here: Molde are Aalesund's local rivals, and here they could potentially consign their enemy to relegation by losing.. now that's food for thought isn't it?

Draw & Draw (honestly, no one at fjordball-towers has a clue what'll happen here)

Fredrikstad (2nd) - Lyn (7th)

Do YOU have a good 6 million NOK just sitting there in a bank (presumably not an Icelandic one), not attracting a lot of interest (a bit like Rune Lange)? Well, you could be the happy owner of Raymond Kvisvik's house (disclaimer: Raymond Kvisvik sold separately). It looks quite nice too, if a bit on the large side (a bit like.. sorry, we can't resist, a bit like it's former occupant). Here, have a look for yourself.

Home win.

Rosenborg (4th) - Bodø/Glimt (6th)

Upon hearing brownnosing Trond Giske's comments that Rosenborg and other Norwegian clubs should sign less foreigners, RBK's sporting director Erik Hoftun told the pandering politician that he was welcome to drop by and discuss whatever was on his mind. Not wanting to seem like a man who makes bold statements without following up with anything, Giske accepted the offer and announced that his office has arranged a date for him to drop by Rosenborg's hq and waste everyone's time for no good reason. Happy days.

Both teams could be in with a shout of finishing third with a win here, that is if Tromsø drop points at home to Stabæk.

Home win.

Strømsgodset (12th) - Viking (5th)

Viking could also sneak third if they win and results go their way, while Strømsgodset don't have much to play for after Aalesund and HamKam's ineptitude last weekend ensured that they boys from Drammen will stay to fight another season in this most glamorous of leagues.

And speaking of glamour, Strømsgodset's attention-seeker and occasional striker David Nielsen, on loan from Danish side OB, has written an autobiography. Or, someone has written it for him, as the man himself probably doesn't know the alphabet. In his book Nielsen claims that he once tried to lose a game on purpose and that he once tried to break Viking-midfielder Allan Gaarde's legs in training when they were at AaB together, because he spoke Italian. These revelations, and the fact that David Nielsen is a bit rubbish, has led to OB announcing that they don't want him to come back when his loan-spell at Strømsgodset is finished. The man himself claims he's just being honest, which isn't the best excuse really.

The book, entitled "Black Swine", probably isn't available in a bookstore near you, and if it is we here at fjordball-towers suggest you give it a miss and spend your time doing something more interesting, like watching paint dry or a DVD-recording of HamKam - Strømsgodset.

Away win.

Tromsø (3rd) - Stabæk (1st)

If Tromsø hadn't collapsed like an Icelandic bank in the latter stage of their league campaign, this could have the title-decider. As it happens, it'll only decide whether or not Tromsø will come third, which isn't all that interesting.

Stabæk have already won the league and they might rest a few players before the upcoming cup final against Vålerenga.

Draw.

Vålerenga (9th) - Brann (8th)

Both have spent far too much money to be where they are in the standings. But here we are, after 25 games they're both on a pretty pathetic 30 points, just over half of Stabæk's total tally and much closer to the relegation-zone than the title-fight. Embarrassing stuff for both.

Draw.

The Noble Art Brownnosing

Fjordball learned at an early age that saying "Yum yum, dinner is good" at the family dinner-table drastically increases your odds of getting dessert, a lesson which has also proved ever so useful in later domestic life (wink wink, nudge nudge). 

Having perfected the technique and made ourselves experts in this particular field, we recognize brownnosing when we see it. And so we say to you Trond Giske (Minister of Culture, nicknamed "the party minister" for, well, partying and "the turbo minister" for no obvious reason): You sir, are a sycophant of the highest order.

You see, the big cheeses of Norwegian and Swedish football have decided to explore the possibility of lodging a bid for the 2016 European Championships, and idea that if nothing else is less insane than Tromsø's doomed, deranged and utterly bonkers bid for the 2018 Winter Olympics. So, the turbo minister (if in doubt, go for the random one, random is always good) went to visit UEFA's supreme overlord Michel Platini, as you do. 

Now, as those of us who follow international club football will have noticed, Michel Platini has made it a big part of his agenda to try and decrease the number of players who move abroad, arguing that football teams full for foreigners will lose their "identity" and connection the local community. This in itself is an interesting stance for a Frenchman who spent the best years of his career playing in Italy, but the point is: Platini think clubs should try to keep it local.

So, what do you think turbo minister Giske, who wouldn't mind a bit of dessert from Platini, told the world after their meeting?

"When Rosenborg beat Ac Milan at San Siro there were 11 Norwegians on the pitch. Most of them were from Trønderlag or Northern Norway. That key players come from the club's area is important to the club's identity."

Well done sir, well done.

Adecco-update

With the end really rather night in both the Tippeliga and the Adeccoliga there is still some excitement left.. but not a lot..

Because the big top of the table clash between Odd and Start was, when you look at it, a bit of a pointless exercise as both are guaranteed promotion. A 3-2 win in Odd's favor and a solid overall performance for the hosts does however give another indication that they're the team that at the moment look best equipped to take on the Tippeliga next season.

Sandefjord are also guaranteed promotion but that didn't stop them giving Kongsvinger a 3-0 spanking, with the latter team not really giving a crap seeing as they won't go down now whatever happens.

There is however much excitement surrounding the battle for the playoff-spot, with Sogndal still occupying it after a convincing 4-0 win over Løv-Ham. Hønefoss could still sneak in next weekend though, as their 1-0 win over Sarpsborg Sparta means they are just one point behind Sogndal.

Down in the relegation-battle Alta did unspeakable things to Hødd, and when the dust settled the score was a whopping 7-2.  The win puts Alta in prime position to stay up, seeing as Sandnes Ulf lost 4-2 at home to Haugesund. Sandnes Ulf had a remarkably good first half of the season but have completely run out of steam and look destined for the drop.

Arguably the biggest underachievers this season Bryne look determined to end their season on a high, and recorded an impressive(ish) 2-1 away win against Moss. 

And lastly, Notodden beat NIL-Trysil 1-0. Not a lot to say about that one.

In the news this week, Start-manager Arne Sandstø had a bit of a pop at the club for not really knowing what they wanted in life and not having a clear set of goals. The statement caused considerably annoyance among the Start bigwigs, who felt Sandstø shouldn't say that kind of thing publicly. 

It's a weird thing to say for manager, even if it's true, considering the club he's in charge of just escaped bankruptcy by the narrowest of margins. You'd think he'd pipe down and let guys in charge get on with getting the club back into shape. On the other hand, Sandstø seems to be a remarkably unpopular figure at Start even though he did comfortably lead the club to promotion this season, with one local paper insinuating that he should be sacked (for what reason, fjordball isn't quite sure). 

But hey, those of us who spend our time writing about Norwegian football will welcome Start back to the Tippeliga next season with open arms, as there's seemingly always something going on at the club, for better or worse.

Round 25: Damn you, Henning Berg!

Just when Lillestrøm were hurtling towards the abyss and looked set for an all-important last round-showdown with Aalesund, next season's LSK-manager Henning Berg starts his work early and pulls out a cracking result. Bastard!

Stabæk for their part celebrated their first ever title by humping a quite staggeringly poor Vålerenga-side 6-2 in their last ever game at Nadderud, Fredrikstad secured their place as runners-up with a win in Molde while relegation-battlers Aalesund and HamKam both put in thoroughly hapless performances against teams with very little to play for.

Bodø/Glimt 3 - 2 Strømsgodset

Brann 1 - 1 Tromsø

Lillestrøm 4 - 2 Rosenborg

Lyn 3 - 0 Aalesund

Molde 1 - 2 Fredrikstad

Stabæk 6 - 2 Vålerenga

Viking 3 - 0 HamKam

Good day

Lillestrøm

Stabæk may have dismantled Vålerenga and celebrated their first championship in their last ever game at Nadderud, but the real winners this weekend were Lillestrøm. Showing the kind of team-spirit and belief that's been lacking at Åråsen all season they came from behind twice to beat an in-form Rosenborg team. Annoyingly, this was probably just a glimpse of what Henning Berg will be able to do with Lillestrøm, and with such a competent man at the helm the thugs from Romerike should be a real force next season.

Berg: Annoyingly competent

Stabæk

Stabæk-guru Ingebrigt Steen-Jensen summed it all up brilliantly: "We've won the most games, we've lost the fewest, we've scored the most goals, we've conceded the fewest, we've got the top-scorer, we've got second top-scorer, we've got the top assister, we've got the fewest yellow cards. This is fucking well deserved." 

Also, beating their upcoming cup-final opponents 6-2 will have given them a bit of a psychological edge for that game, to put it mildly. 

Stabæk-fans: Yes, they do exist, especially when Stabæk win the league

Fredrikstad

For a team expected to be in mid-table, who had to sell their star striker midway through the season and have had an ongoing feud with their captain and best midfielder, finishing runners up is one hell of an accomplishment. 

Viking

Well look at that, they do have a bit of pride after all. While most of the attention was on departing skipper Nicolai Stockholm it was the younger players like Fillo, Nisja, Danielsen and Steenslid who carried Viking here and showed the home-crowd that they have every reason to be optimistic about next season.

Tommy Høiland

The 19 year old Viking-striker was once touted as one of the most exiting prospects in Norway, and after a few difficult seasons he is starting to look like his development is back on track. A natural finisher with a combative and somewhat nasty playing-style, he'll give keepers and defenders plenty of reason to worry (in every sense of the word) next season if he's given playing-time.

Høiland: One to watch out for, especially if you're a goalkeeper

Bodø/Glimt

A good win at home against Strømsgodset means the Northerners still have a chance of grabbing an unlikely medal and a place in Europe.

Bad Day

Aalesund

According to manager Kjetil Rekdal they would have lost against Hødd the way they played against Lyn. No one here at fjordball-towers had anything to add to that summary.

HamKam

Rubbish.

Rosenborg

Ok, so they were on the receiving end of a quite unexpected Lillestrøm-revival, but still, it was another example of a game they on paper really should have won but didn't. For every such result the argument that Rosenborg will never be consistent playing the way Hamrén wants them to play starts to carry ever more weight, and it will be very interesting to see how they do next season.

Vålerenga & Mad Martin Andresen

Amidst all the celebrations and rightful praise for the wonderfulness that is the 2008-edition of Stabæk, the Norwegian press seems to have forgotten to ask this one question: What the hell is going on with Vålerenga? 

They have won two out of their last TWELVE games in the league, and for a club with their resources that is clearly not acceptable. Mad Martin earlier in the season said that the league wasn't important this year, that it was all about developing the team and working on the way they want to play, but really, can anyone see any sort of improvement or development in Vålerenga's football over the last six months? Anyone? 

Getting dismantled 6-2 by their opponents in the upcoming cup-final won't do much for their confidence either. 

Would any other person still be in a job as VIF-manager with results like that, after having spent the money they have this season? Not very likely.

The Preview That Exists, But Hasn't Been Punched In The Face Lately

Sunday

Bodø/Glimt (6th) - Strømsgodset (11th)

Bodø/Glimt's season has been a remarkable success-story, but recently they haven't really looked like match they very high standards they set in the first half of the season (one point in the last three games isn't all that impressive). Strømsgodset have once again managed to stay well clear of national attention this week, and if nothing else they are a shoe-in for the "most unremarkable team of the season"-award.

Home win.

Brann (9th) - Tromsø (3th)

The battle of the outgoing managers. Mons Ivar Mjelde, Brann's most successful coach in the modern era, has been told by his board to bugger off, while in the other end Steinar Nilsen has decided to leave Tromsø in search of a more high-profile gig. The departing Tromsø-hero isn't going to pack his bags quietly though, and in an interview this week he branded Tromsø, his hometown, as a city of losers. "We just don't like creating winners," he said, referring to infamous "jante law" which is such a huge part of the Norwegian mentality. 

Draw.

Lillestrøm (12th) - Rosenborg (4th)

Arguably the most interesting game of the week, as defeat for Lillestrøm could leave them on the brink of relegation (which would have the rest of Norway popping our collective corks).

It's been a bit of a rubbish week for Rosenborg's Øyvind Storflor. First there was that whole question of whether or not he exists (which we here at fjordball-towers don't think we've gotten enough credit for, btw), and then today he was given a rather harsh reminder that he does in fact exist when he was punched in the head by his own teammate. 

Away win (please, pretty please).

Lyn (7th) - Aalesund (13th) 

Punters, pay attention now: This is one of them "Good team with nothing to play for versus rubbish team with everything to play for"-things that you can make a bit of money on. Lyn have now lost four in a row, though to be fair they were unlucky last week against HamKam. Aalesund on the other hand have won two in a row, and Kjetil Rekdal seems to have sparked a much needed revival. On the other hand they do have a dreadful away-record this season (2-1-9), something you should keep in mind before you risk your hard-earned moolah.

Away win.

Molde (10th) - Fredrikstad (2nd) 

After the roaring success of last week's wikipedia-edit the wiki-experts here at fjordball-towers are feeling a bit of pressure. Having previously revealed Azar Karadas' former occupation, Uwe Rösler's philosophical side and calling national attention to the mystery that is Øyvind Storflor, where do we go from here?

Truth is we probably can't top last week, so we're not going to try. Also, we're in a bit of a hurry, so this week we're just going to go with a cheeky re-direct, revealing Fredrikstad-winger and fjordball-favorite Raymond Kvisvik's true identity.

Here it is, the truth about the chubby one (which actually goes some way towards explaining his constant financial woes)

Home win.

Stabæk (1st) - Vålerenga (8th)

This should be interesting: A dress-rehearsal for the upcoming cup-final. We're guessing it'll go the same way as the cup-final will, by quite some margin.

Home win.

Viking (5th) - HamKam (14th)

Like Aalesund, HamKam are also enjoying a timely if somewhat inexplicable revival. Still, they are really rather rubbish and if Viking have even a wee bit of pride they'll get their groove on and easily dispose of the bottom-dwellers in front of their home-crowd. But then again, do they have a wee bit of pride? Here at fjordball-towers we're not too sure.

Draw.

Adecco-update

Like a dodgy kebab on a Saturday night, it appears that in the Adeccoliga what comes down must go straight back up again..

Because this weekend saw Sandefjord and Start both ensured that they will be joining Odd in the 2009 Tippeliga. Sandefjord did so by beating Notodden 1-0, while a draw was enough for Start who were held to a 1-1 stalemate by Sogndal.

Odd have already booked their place, but look determined to end the season on a high as they came up with a 3-2 away to Løv-Ham.

In the other end of the table Kongsvinger are seemingly out of the woods with an impressive 1-0 win away at Haugesund, while Bryne also went a long way towards securing their status in the league by battering local rivals Sandnes Ulf 4-0.

These results would have left Alta in deep doo-doo, but they rose to the occasion and produced a fine 3-2 away-win against Sarpsborg Sparta to keep their hopes of staying up alive.

Playoff-chasing Hønefoss were in no mood for charity and easily disposed of utterly doomed Ulsteinvik-outfit Hødd, who once again shot themselves in the foot by getting a player sent off at an early stage in the game. The 1-0 scoreline was more a testament to Hønefoss' impotent forwardline than anything else.

And finally, in an utterly inconsequential mid-table tussle, NIL-Trysil were given a right spanking by Moss and lost 5-0 at home.

Updated league table here.

In the news this week, obviously, Start and Sandefjord are both officially back in the big-time. Interestingly the two teams have the exact same record after 28 games (16-8-4), while the way they went about it was very much polar opposites: Start started superbly but tailed off near the end of the season while Sandefjord started the season disastrously but picked themselves up with a successful change of manager. 

Looking at their squads both teams will be amongst the most obvious candidates to go straight back down again next season unless their squads are heavily strengthened, but at least Start for their part have a lot of young players who will have learned a lot this season and who might step up to the plate. Their finances are a bit buggered though, so the it'll take some shrewd dealings by their Sporting Director if they are going to add some much needed top-flight experience to the side.

Good luck to them both anyway. Start are clearly a club who belong in the top division, and while we here at fjordball-towers aren't quite convinced by Sandefjord they've certainly earned their right to be there after a superb run of form.

Could It Be?

Vålerenga 3 - 1 Lillestrøm

Sundgot: Oh noes!

When something seems too good to be true it usually isn't, one of life's age-old lessons and one many of us here at fjordball-towers have learned the hard way. This is why, when Lillestrøm were bloody awful earlier in the season and looked very much like a team heading for the abyss, we didn't get out hopes up. They were always going to come good, one way or the other. 

In a way they did, but then it all started going pear-shaped again. And with two games left of the season, Lillestrøm are staring relegation square in the face. After a limp and gutless performance against bitter rivals Vålerenga they are just three points ahead of Aalesund and four ahead of HamKam, and both those teams are winning games.

It wasn't as much the defeat as the nature of the defeat that will have given LSK-fans reason to fret: There was no fight, no intensity, none of the usual physical thuggery you expect from Lillestrøm. And really, when you think about it, if they haven't got that what do they have? They're not exactly a particularly talented side, thuggery is usually the main basis of their results.

Lillestrøm's last two games this season are against in-form Rosenborg and, wait for it, Aalesund. That's right. Provided Aalesund can overcome a Lyn-side with nothing to play for next week, Lillestrøm must get a win against Rosenborg to avoid the last game becoming a straight fight to avoid the playoff place. Or worse, if HamKam keep winning as well that last game could well be a fight to avoid direct relegation. 

Just when you thought it was all sorted (Stabæk win the league and Aalesund and HamKam battle it out for the playoff place), it turns out the Tippeliga has another sting of intrigue in its tail. 

We love it. Particularly if Lillestrøm go down.

Round 24: Stabæk Kinda Win The League, Fjordball Kinda Make Headlines

A late winner from random Icelandic bloke Palmi Rafn Palmason ensured that Stabæk are, barring an absolute miracle, Norwegian Champions. A cheeky free-kick from that man Raymond Kvisvik was enough to dispose of Viking, which probably means Fredrikstad are heading for second place as Tromsø were held to an unexpected 4-4 draw by Molde. Relegation-rivals HamKam and Aalesund both won their games so no changes there, while Rosenborg's late charge for a top 3-finish suffered a bit of a blow as they were held by Strømsgodset.

Hilariously, this Friday's weekly wikipedia-edit caught the eye of the Norwegian media, and in fact made the front-page of Adressa's web-edition for a while this morning. Under the headline "Does Storflor actually exist?" the paper tells the tale of this particular piece of mischievous misinformation. Here at fjordball-towers we're all just too happy to help the struggling journalists of this great country come up with new and interesting stories.

Round 24:

Tromsø 4 - 4 Molde

Aalesund 1 - 0 Bodø/Glimt

Fredrikstad 1 - 0 Viking

HamKam 3 - 2 Lyn

Rosenborg 1 - 1 Strømsgodset

Brann 1 - 2 Stabæk

Updated table here.

Good Day

Stabæk

Worthy winners of the 2008 Tippeliga. There really isn't much more left to say about them. They've scored more goals than anyone else, conceded fewer and played better football than any other team. A thoroughly comprehensive and deserved title. The best thing since sliced bread (or indeed Eggen's RBK) says Otto Ulseth, while an ecstatic Esten O. Sæther claims that everybody loves Stabæk. It's not all that far from the truth. Talismanic forward Daniel Nannskog is confident that his team will win their upcoming cup-final against Vålerenga as well, and it would take a brave man to bet against them.

Raymond Kvisvik

The Man is back. Fjordball's favorite overweight winger put in one of the most complete performances of his career as Fredrikstad disposed of Viking with surprising ease. With a cool head and an unfailing eye for a pass, Kvisvik kept FFK's midfield ticking and kept Viking's defense on their toes all game, and to top it all off he scored the match-winner with a cheeky free-kick. 

Espen Johnsen

Had one of those games, and was the only reason why Strømsgodset left Lerkendal with a point. Johnsen is surely the most frustrating keeper in recent history, because when he is on song he is quite remarkably good, but will he ever be able to perform like that consistently? 

Pape Pate Diouf

Before this weekend Tromsø had only conceded four goals on home turf all season, but then Diouf went and scored a hat-trick. Impressive.

Aalesund & HamKam

Both won, but since they are competing mainly with each other that didn't really do much for either team.

Bad Day

Tromsø

One point in the last three games is depressing stuff for a team who risked their economic stability for a shot at the title, and their poor form means they might not even make the top 3. The news this morning that manager Steinar Nielsen will be leaving his post after the season weren't exactly unexpected, but none the less it makes for a depressing end to a fine season for the Northerners. 

Kåre Ingebrigtsen

Calm down man! The Bodø/Glimt-manager had a right pop at referee Tom Henning Øvrebø after his team succumbed to Aalesund. For once the criticism was totally unwarranted, and one suspects that Ingebrigtsen is just frustrated that, like Tromsø, Bodø/Glimt's poor end to the season has ruined their chances of silverware this season. In which case the man should shut up and accept that finishing in the top-end of the table is a remarkable achievement in itself for Bodø/Glimt.

Viking

Losing away against Fredrikstad is nothing to be ashamed of (FFK have the best home-record in the league), but by all accounts Viking didn't really turn up, and there's no excuse for that.

Lyn 

Have picked up a grand total of zero points since their derby-win over Vålerenga. Four defeats in row isn't acceptable, even if you don't have a lot to play for.

The Preview That Thinks Playing Nintendo Wii Until Six In The Morning Is Perfectly Acceptable Behavior

..not to mention the kebab-breakfast. Yummy. 

Saturday

Tromsø (3rd) - Molde (10th)

The Norwegian Football Association are none too impressed with the way Tromsø are handling their economy these days, the Northerners were supposed to sell 16 million worth of players this summer to make their numbers add up but instead they kept their players and took up some more loans. They could sort it all out in a jiffy by selling Tore Reginiussen, which is probably what will happen.

Home win.

Sunday

Aalesund (13th) - Bodø/Glimt (6th)

A bit of a must win for Rekdal's relegation-battlers, and at home against a Bodø/Glimt-side who don't have a whole lot to play for you've gotta fancy them to do just that.

Home win.

Fredrikstad (2nd) - Viking (5th)

Viking-captain Nicolai Stockholm has decided to leave the club when his contract expires at the end of the season, but considering he is now on the wrong side of 30 and has had a pretty poor season Herr Uwe probably won't be losing any sleep over his departure. 

Fredrikstad for their part have according to manager Anders Grönhagen not given up hope of winning the title, but with a six point-gap between themselves and Stabæk with three games left to play you'd have to be Raymond Kvisvik to put money of them to do so. 

Home win.

HamKam (14th) - Lyn (7th)

Dark days for HamKam (as usual), back at the bottom of the table and this week it also emerged that their talented young striker Marcus Pedersen will leave the club on a free transfer after the season is over. 

Draw.

Rosenborg (4th) - Strømsgodset (12th)

This weekend's wikipedia-edit is altogether more subtle than the two previous ones. From the entry of Øyvind Storflor:

Øyvind Storflor (born 18 December 1979 in Trondheim) is a rumored Norwegian football player, reportedly playing for Rosenborg BK. However there are some who claim that Storflor doesn't exist, and that sightings of him have in fact been optical illusions.

According to urban legend he made his debut for Rosenborg in 1999. In 2000 he was loaned out for Byåsen IL, and in 2001 he was sold to Moss FK for 500 000 Norwegian kroner (NOK). In January 2003, Storflor returned to Rosenborg for NOK 1,000,000. An investigation has been launched in an attempt to verify these claims.

Strømsgodset IF have secured his services for the 2009, and should the investigation discover that he does in fact not exist they will be rather cross.

The interesting thing is that the article has as many references now as it did before wiki-experts here at fjordball-towers went to work, so who is to say what is true and what isn't?

Home win.

Brann (8th) - Stabæk (1st)

Last season Brann had the most lethal striker in the league up front, an inspirational leader and excellent ball-distributor in the middle and a shrewd manager at the helm.

Now they have Eirik Bakke.

Away win.

Monday

Vålerenga (9th) - Lillestrøm (11th)

Next season's management-team at Circus Åråsen is starting to take shape with the news that Andre Bergdølmo and Petter Belsvik will be joining Henning Berg's coaching-staff. At fjordball-towers we're all a bit worried that so many seemingly competent people are converging at Lillestrøm, maybe they'll actually be good next season. Come on, nobody wants that.

Draw.

"I'll never [surrender a year's worth of wages in a dignified act of martyrdom]!"

Norway 0 - 1 Holland (Mark Van Bommel) 

"No commentator or football-journalist gets to tell me that I have to quit, you don't decide that," Åge Hareide said, before punching Bertil Valderhaug in the face and moonwalking out of the room singing "I will survive" in a hitherto unheard of falsetto voice.

Ok, ok, that last part may not have actually happened, but it would have been one hell of a press conference.

To be fair to him, Åge Hareide played it by the book. When you face a team like Holland who score many if not most of their goals on the break then obviously you'll want to defend deep, stay compact and be very cautious when sending people forward. 

Still there was something deeply depressing about the way Norway was set up last night. Hareide has been spewing lofty rhetoric ever since his appointment, talking about creating "proud moments" and whatnot. Where was that sense of pride when Hareide, when push came to shove, decided to split the promising-looking partnership of Iversen and Carew, stick Iversen out wide and go for a conservative 4-5-1 at home?

Hareide: As long as he knows how to love he knows he'll stay alive

 As it turns out, lofty rhetoric goes out the window when the going gets tough. But this half-assed approach, this wish to play a more expansive game but when the heat is on not having the testicular fortitude to stick with that philosophy, is a damning indictment of Hareide's reign. 

In his third and final qualifying-campaign when he has nothing to lose and can do anything he wants to, Hareide chooses the careful, pragmatic, sensible path. Bengt Eriksen, that witless gimp, is right (which in itself may well cause the universe to implode, so watch out): There was too much sense and not enough madness in last night's Norwegian performance. 

But hey, as it turns out, the Norwegian football association and their incredibly creepy-looking president Sondre Kåfjord doesn't think going a full calendar-year without a win and being bottom of our qualifying-group is cause for concern, so everything must be alright then. 

Taxing Times For Norway

Today the Norwegian newspapers were dominated by one particularly distasteful Norwegian ritual: The publishing of people's earnings. That's right, once a year what people earn and what they pay in taxes is made public by the government, and there is much rejoicing.

As always there are stories about how Mad Martin Andresen, heir to the Skeidar furniture-empire, is the wealthiest player in the national team (guys like Riise and Gamst Pedersen don't show up on the lists as they pay their taxes abroad), and as always there are chuckles at the massive gulf between the earnings of some members of the national squad and someone like Big John Carew. 

At fjordball-towers the news that Erik Huseklepp made five times as much as Tarik Elyounoussi last year was greeted by hysterical laughter and an overwhelming sense of pity for Brann's accountants, while the more cruel members of the editorial staff had to be restrained from looking up Bengt Eriksen's income and making undignified remarks comparing his abilities as a pundit to those of a deranged hedgehog. 

Huseklepp: Why?

For those who are able to tear their attentions away from these fascinating financial facts, there's a game on tonight and it's really rather important. 

"Mini" Jakobsen, a pundit who has taken the noble art of being wrong to a whole new level, has revealed what tonight's lineup certainly won't be by giving us his two-cents: "Holland obviously have some star players, and nobody expects us to win. I still think we have a good chance to take three points if we play similar to the way we did against Scotland," he told VG before going on to suggest a very different formation and lineup to the one that faced Scotland. It takes a special kind of stupidity to suggest taking on Holland with both a holding midfielder and an attacking midfielder who has hardly ever played that position before.

Mini's Norway: What you're not likely to see tonight

What looks altogether more likely to happen is a flat midfield four with Christian Grindheim partnered by Henning Hauger in the middle, with Morten Gamst Pedersen on the right and Fredrik Winsnes on the left. The general idea being that the hard-working duo of Hauger and Grindheim will try to close down the Dutch and deny them space while Winsnes and Gamst Pedersen will provide accurate delivery from the flanks.

A good plan theoretically, but then again a good plan isn't always enough. Especially if you're playing a vastly superior team.

Adecco-update

It takes more than the spectacle that is international football to halt the Adeccoliga, youknow.

Odd Grenland can pop their collective corks as they secured their place in the 2009 Tippeliga with a 4-0 thumping of Hødd. It also looks very likely that they'll win the league as Start were somewhat bizarrely smacked around by Moss and lost 4-0. Sandefjord were held to a 0-0 draw by Sandnes Ulf but are still on track for promotion.

Kongsvinger took another giant leap towards safety with a 1-0 win over Løv-Ham, while Bryne came back from being two goals down to draw 2-2 with Haugesund.

A 3-1 win over NIL-Trysil means Sogndal are now firmly in the driving seat in the battle for the playoff-place, while an utterly inexplicable 5-0 defeat to Sarpsborg Sparta means Notodden's chances of sneaking up behind them are now slim.

Updated league-table here.

Odd: Back in the big time

2009 will be an Odd year (boom and indeed boom) according to manager Dag-Eilev Fagermo: "We have a good selection of players and we have many with the potential to compete in the top division," the triumphant manager told the press after Odd had secured promotion with a 3 game-margin.

The Telemark-based outfit have scored a whopping 69 goals in 27 games so far this season and promotion has looked a certainty for a while now. Still, there are many questions Odd-fans will be asking themselves as they look forward to returning to the Tippeliga: Will their manager, who has had short-term success at Pors, Notodden and Strømsgodset before buggering off, stick around for the long haul this time? Will their power-forward Peter Kovacs, who is about as quick on the turn as the Jahre Viking, be able to cope with the pace of the Tippeliga (he's tried and failed before youknow)? Can the club afford to bolster their aging midfield?

Still, happy days for Odd who have certainly looked more like a Tippeliga-side this season than teams like HamKam and Aalesund.

Norway In Quite Good Game-Shocker, But Is It Enough?

Scotland 0 - 0 Norway

All the post-match talk was obviously of Chris Iwelumo's mind-boggling miss, but it's worth noting that it was also a very encouraging performance from Hareide's men. 

Iwelumo: Epic fail

Martin Andresen's absence predictably proved a blessing in disguise as the cool head and cultured left foot of Fredrik Winsnes was instrumental in what was one of the most coherent midfield-performances we've seen from Norway in years, John Carew made messrs Caldwell and Weir look silly throughout the game, debutant Jon Knudsen did what he needed to do and the back four looked surprisingly sturdy. Heck, even Morten Gamst Pedersen made a positive impact when he came on (though the less said about Daniel Braaten the better, as usual).

Iwelumo's howler aside, Norway created the better chances and could well have gotten away with the a win. Certainly you'd have put good money on Steffen Iversen scoring his late chance, but there you go, on another day perhaps. 

Unfortunately for Norway-manager Åge Hareide that other day will have to be this Wednesday, against an altogether more daunting opponent. There is a subtle difference between playing against Darren Fletcher, James Morrison and James McFadden and playing against Rafael Van Der Vaart, Wesley Sneijder and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. 

And the harsh reality for Hareide is that anything less than a win against Holland will all but end Norway's hopes of qualifying, in which case there will be little or no reason to retain the services of a manager who has already announced that this qualifying-campaign will be his last.

A Brief Guide To The Norwegian National Team

The Norwegian national side contains several vaguely high-profile players, but for every Jon Arne Riise there's a Jon Inge Høiland. Here's a quick guide to help Scotsmen and other interested parties out..:

(Year of bith, current club and number of caps in brackets)

Keepers

Rune Allmenning Jarstein (1984 - Rosenborg - 5 caps)

Talented but a bit mental shot-stopper. Has been particularly dodgy recently so will probably be dropped. 

Jon Knudsen (1974 - Stabæk - 0 caps)

Average but consistent, Knudsen is in line to make his debut for Norway at the age of 33. Won't make breathtaking, match-winning saves, but less likely to screw up than his competitors. 

Espen Johnsen (1979 - Strømsgodset - 18 caps)

The Norwegian league's undisputed king of physical comedy. Reflexes are at (the best of) times genuinely world-class, but in all other aspects he's a bit rubbish. Possibly the most gaffe-prone goalkeeper in history.

Defenders

Jon Inge Høiland (1977 - Stabæk - 14 caps)

Fairly average right-back who is there by default since pretty much every other Norwegian right-back is rubbish.

Tom Høgli (1984 - Tromsø - 2 caps) 

The only other Norwegian right-back who is anywhere near international class. Not terribly near, mind you.

Brede Hangeland (1981 - Fulham - 46 caps)

As seen in the EPL. Big, imposing defender who isn't as rubbish on the ground as his giant frame might have you think. Playing with an increasing air of authority. The best Norwegian defender by a mile.

Kjetil Wæhler (1976 - Vålerenga - 3 caps)

Hangeland's likely partner in central defense tomorrow. Solid professional, strong in the challenge but not the quickest. Dependable performer in the Norwegian league but unproven at international level.

Morten Morisbak Skjønsberg (1983 - Stabæk - 0 caps)

Posh-looking centre back who has had a good year in the Norwegian league. Still developing as a player and could well turn into a defender of international pedigree.

Atle Roar Håland (1977 - Odense - 1 cap)

Steady, dependable but really rather average centre back. Probably wouldn't be in the squad if everyone else were fit.

Jon Arne Riise (1980 - Roma - 73 caps)

Him of Champions League/Premier League/Serie A-fame. Undroppable obviously, but usually underperforms for the national team. Shouldn't attempt diving headers.

Midfielders

Christian Grindheim (1983 - Heerenveen - 19 caps)

Pudgy-looking box-to-box type midfielder. Surprisingly athletic.

Fredrik Strømstad (1982 - Le Mans - 16 caps)

Tenacious but lightweight central midfielder. Vaguely creative, can play a good through-ball. 

Alexander Tettey (1986 - Rosenborg - 2 caps)

Hard-working and athletic midfielder. Has been described as a poor man's Michael Essien, but that would have to be a very very poor, credit-crunched, living under a box man's Michael Essien in that case.

Fredrik Winsnes (1975 - Strømsgodset - 14 caps)

Cultured midfielder who, amazingly, is nearly a qualified doctor. Probably the most intelligent player in the squad in every sense of the word.

Jan Gunnar Solli (1981 - Brann - 34 caps)

The Norwegian Jermaine Jenas. Enough said.

Henning Hauger (1985- Stabæk - 3 caps)

Fairly talented all-round midfielder. Called up on the back of a solid domestic season.

Wingers

Daniel Braathen (1982 - Toulouse - 16 caps)

Lazy winger/forward who looks good on youtube, but awful in most other settings.

Erik Huseklepp (1984 - Brann - 0 caps)

Wildly unpredictable winger/comedy genius. Whenever he attempts to dribble there is at least a 50% chance he'll fall over. Probably shouldn't be in the squad, but there is a real dearth of wingers in Norway these days.

Bjørn Helge Riise (1983 - Lillestrøm - 9 caps)

Yes, his brother. The only half-decent Norwegian right-winger, has been injured for pretty much the entire season but will probably start due to the lack of viable alternatives.

Morten Gamst Pedersen (1981 - Blackburn - 42 caps)

As seen in the EPL. Has built up quite a reputation in Britain but is pretty unpopular in Norway because of his consistent awfulness in the national shirt. Will probably be dropped. Needs to have his hair-gel taken away from him. 

Forwards

John Carew (1982 - Aston Villa - 72 caps)

Battering ram-type striker, as you know. Unlike the other two big names (Riise and Gamst) Carew actually performs well for the national side, so the Norwegian public have reluctantly abandoned their regular contempt Norwegian players who gain a bit of international attention. Most of them have anyway.

Steffen Iversen (1976 - Rosenborg - 74 caps)

A much more accomplished forward now than in his Tottenham-days. Lost over 7lbs in two weeks(!) this summer when his new manager told him to stop eating hot dogs. Still a force in the air, but is much more clever in his movement and his finishing now than in his younger days.

Torstein Helstad (1977 - Le Mans - 31 caps)

Underwear-model and occasional striker who has been doing surprisingly well in France since his summer-transfer. Makes clever runs and is a cool finisher.

Tarik Elyounoussi (1988 - Heerenveen - 1 cap)

Talented forward who is just starting to make a name for himself in European football. After being the media-darling of the Norwegian league for some time he took the plunge and moved abroad this summer, and five goals in his first seven games for Heerenveen would suggest that it wasn't a bad idea. 

 

Mjelde Falls On His Sword

..that is if you can call being drugged, tied up and thrown onto a sword "falling your sword".

After lasting longer in the job than any other Brann-manager this side of the second world war, Mons Ivar Mjelde has agreed to step down after the season. The board wanted him out, the players wanted him out, the local media wanted him out, and in his heart of hearts Mjelde himself probably wanted out as well. 

Mjelde: Unwanted and unloved. Strangely enough.

It's a far cry from last season when Mjelde led Brann to their first title in 44 years and received several awards for his leadership, but then that's football for you. Saddled with a blatantly unbalanced squad assembled by an incompetent sporting director, Mjelde failed to replicate last season's success and suffered some truly embarrassing defeats along the way.

According to Bergen's reasonably well-informed paper BT it was a vote of no confidence from the players that was the final straw: "At a players-meeting this Saturday there was one important matter on the agenda: The future of Mons Ivar Mjelde," they write. 

Having watched Brann's overpaid and overrated bunch of wannabes put in a procession of gutless, spineless and half-assed performances this season, fjordball tends to think it should have been the other way around: Brann's most successful manager in the modern era should have met with the board to discuss whether or not it's possible to get rid of half the first team-squad. But with player-power in the modern game being what it is that wasn't likely to happen.

Brann's captain Erik Bakke, youknow, the one who told his manager off in the media for daring to suggest that the players might have been at fault when they threw away a 2-0 lead against a pretty rubbish team that was down to 10 men, has gone one better and decided that he should have a say in what manager is brought in: "It's natural to involve the players in a decision like this", he claims. 

Among the candidates to replace Mjelde are heavyweights like Åge Hareide (who might soon be out of a job) and Nils Johan Semb. A raft of other names have also been mentioned, Tromsø's Steinar Nilsen is one, some Swedish blokes (as always), and hilariously Bengt Eriksen has been mentioned by some (presumably as an in-joke between journalists or something). It remains to be seen if any of them get Erik Bakke's seal of approval..

Bakke: Wants to decide what manager he gets to undermine next

Needless to say at this point, there are things wrong with SK Brann that no change of manager will ever fix.

Adecco-update

Adecco-time! Not in the I've-just-been-sacked-and-need-a-rubbish-temp-job-in-a-warehouse-while-I-figure-out-my-life kind of way, but rather in a what-went-on-in-the-second-tier-of-Norwegian-football-this-weekend kind of way. Get it?

Odd could have pressed their advantage and opened up a bit of a gap at the top, but instead they lost 1-0 to Hønefoss. As you do. Start weren't about to waste such an opportunity to make up a bit of ground on the leaders and duly mauled Sandnes Ulf 5-1, while Sandefjord beat Moss 3-1 to ensure that they're still on track for promotion.

Down in the unfashionable end of the table the big game of the weekend saw Alta host Tom Nordlie-powered Kongsvinger, with the visitors getting away with a crucial 2-1 win. In spite of being doomed Hødd continue to put up a fight and this weekend they held playoff-chasing Notodden to a 0-0 draw.

Sogndal were also held at the weekend, 2-2 the score between them and Sparta Saprsborg, but they still have the upper hand in the rather fascinating battle for 4th place. NIL-Trysil haven't quite given up that fight yet and their 2-0 win over Haugesund means they are still on contention. 

And finally, Bryne lost yet again, this time a 2-1 defeat at the hands of Løv-Ham.

In the news this week.. oh hell there's no way around it, it was all about the return of Erik Mykland this weekend. The aging midfield maestro stirred up a bit of a frenzy down South as football nostalgics flocked to Sør Arena to watch Mykland return to his former occupation. The crowd were treated to a cracking performance by the home side as they had no trouble dismantling a Sandnes Ulf-side that looks increasingly like it would be better off in the league below, and when Mykland came on for his half hour-long comeback the score was already 4-1. If you want to see a short, long-haired and bearded type run onto a football-pitch to rapturous applause, click here.

Another thing worth mentioning is the Norwegian media's continuing fascination with hopeful punts upfield that go in because the goalkeeper is a bit rubbish. Earlier this season we had the whole Juha Pasoja vs. Espen Johnsen-thing, and now this weekend TV2 got all excited about this goal from Erlend Storesund. "Maybe the most spectacular goal of the year in the Adeccoliga," Tv2 called it. Experts here at fjordball-towers are mystified: These goals are bloopers, goalkeeping-errors worthy of a place on some youtube-compilation. They're not spectacular. As a matter of fact the most spectacular goals of the season was probably scored this weekend, but Storesund's cheeky punt wasn't it: Aram Khalili bicycle-kick from about 20 yards (video-link, goal number 2) will take some beating.

This fascination with good yardage, christ, you'd think they were all Americans.

Third Time Not So Lucky For Brann

Molde 3 (Jose Mota 2x, Christian Steen) - 2 Brann (Petter Vaagan Moen, Randolph Austin)

"Embarrassing!", "Worse than losing 8-0", Mons Ivar Mjelde was not a happy man after Brann's third embarrassing defeat to Molde this season. Fjordball carelessly called for someone like Mjelde to "do a Kinnear" this Friday, and we almost got our wish when TV2 interviewed a furious Mjelde after the game:

Reporter: I not even sure what to ask you about because.. I've never experienced before that a team has..

Mjelde (interrupting): You can ask whatever the hell you want to because this is as embarrassing as, this is the most embarrassing thing I've been a part of. Ever. This is much worse than losing 8-0.

And so it went on.

Mjelde: Close to the edge, in every sense

The reason why Mjelde looked and sounded like a man who wanted to punch someone in the face was that somehow, through one of the most gutless and passive second half-performances in recent history, Brann managed to throw away a 2-0 lead against 10 men. 

Once again the complete lack of leadership and backbone in this season's Brann-team was painfully obvious, as the "men" from Bergen collapsed like fjordball after five minutes on a treadmill. 

A fuming Mjelde pointed his finger squarely at the players for not following his instructions (which presumably did not include "don't close people down", "don't mark anyone" and "give the ball away at every opportunity"), an accusation captain Erik Bakke somewhat incredibly is taking umbrage with: "I don't like him blaming the players. We're together in this. He is responsible for us". Sorry Erik, but there is just no way a collapse of such epic proportions by well-paid professionals, many of whom are full internationals, can be blamed on anyone else than themselves. 

But it does raise the question once again: Does Mons Ivar Mjelde have any authority at all in the dressing room?

Round 23: Stabæk Nearly There, Weird Things Happen

Fredrikstad win away to Lillestrøm for the first time since their return to the big leagues, Aalesund win only their second away-game of the season against plucky Strømsgodset and Bodø/Glimt's unbeaten run at home is ended by a team who hadn't won since July. The title-race may be all but decided, but you can still count on the Tippeliga to throw up weird and perplexing results..

Round 23:

Stabæk 3 - 0 HamKam

Viking 2 - 1 Tromsø

Bodø/Glimt 1 - 2 Vålerenga

Lillestrøm 1 - 2 Fredrikstad

Strømsgodset 0 - 1 Aalesund

Lyn 1 - 2 Rosenborg

Good Day

Stabæk

They predictably outclassed HamKam, though the bottom-dwellers held on for a laudable period of time before Stabæk's superior pass-and-move football finally broke them down. Everyone knows by now that Stabæk will win the title, but Fredrikstad still have a theoretical chance of catching up to them: "It's frustrating not to be able to celebrate, but hopefully we can can do so soon," Daniel Nannskog told the press after the game.

Fredrikstad

Proved to be a surprisingly resilient bunch (even without the injured Kasey Wehrman) when they withstood a late barrage from the thuggish long-ball merchants that are Lillestrøm. 

Vidar Nisja

The impish Viking-midfielder has had a tough time of it since his vaguely controversial move from local rivals Bryne last season, but with two terrific goals in two games (first a cheeky chip against Vålerenga and now a great turn and finish against Tromsø) the youngster is starting to show the Norwegian public what he is all about. Good on him.

Nisja: Making his long-awaited breakthrough

Kjetil Rekdal

After a grand total of one point in three games doubts were starting to creep in over his appointment, but then he comes up with a cracking result. Aalesund's second win away from home this season could prove absolutely crucial in their fight to stay up.

Lasse Olsen

The Aalesund-winger produced the miss of the century (a must-see), if his team hadn't gone on to win the game the man would surely have been a wreck this morning.. 

Vålerenga

Mad Martin was fuming after the game because of some truly dodgy refereeing, but credit must go to Vålerenga for managing to keep their focus and turn the game around when seemingly everything went against them. 

Vålerenga: Impressive turnaround up North

Bad Day

Lillestrøm

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a pass from Frode Kippe. The Lillestrøm we all know and loathe are well and truly back. 

There's nothing more amusing than seeing Vidar Riseth, a man with the intellectual capacity of a dead herring, go on television and complain that their opponents spent too much time on the floor after a game where Lillestrøm looked more interested in kicking their opponents than playing football. Perhaps if you stopped kicking them and being late in each and every tackle they'd be able to stay on their feet. Just a suggestion.

Lillestrøm: Annoyed that people fall down when they are kicked

Jan Tore Ophaug

The Fredrikstad-defender will be out for roughly six months with a fractured knee-cap. Ouch.

Tromsø

Deflated and demoralized after last weekend's bizarre capitulation against Lillestrøm, Tromsø looked like a team lacking in belief when they were defeated by Viking. They played well and did all the things you need to do away from home, but when it really mattered they lacked sharpness in front of both goals. 

Svein-Erik Edvartsen

The much maligned referee got it all wrong again yesterday when he sent off Vålerenga-youngster Harmeet Singh for a challenge that although careless didn't warrant anything more than a yellow.

While fjordball for one thought Edvartsen's one man-crusade against shirt-tugging in the area earlier this season was a laudable if somewhat infuriating idea, the man just can't seem to stay out of the headlines. Which, no matter how you look at it, is a bad thing for a referee.

HamKam

Getting mauled by Stabæk is to be expected, but Aalesund's unlikely win against Strømsgodset means HamKam are rock bottom again. Their captain Markus Ringberg reckons they might have to win all their remaining three games to stay up and, well, they won't.

The Preview That Thinks Joe Kinnear Is Just Misunderstood

Why doesn't Norwegian managers do this, eh? Who wouldn't like to hear Mons Ivar Mjelde or someone completely lose his rag and call reporters every name under the sun?

..aanyway, on to the weekly weekend preview-thingy:

Saturday

Stabæk (1st) - HamKam (13th)

No team in the tippeliga have scored more goals than Stabæk this season and no team in the tippeliga has conceded more than HamKam. Do the maths, and bring your abacus.

Home win.

Sunday

Bodø/Glimt (4th) - Vålerenga (11th)

Unfortunately for Mad Martin Andresen it seems Vålerenga's upcoming appearance in the final of the Norwegian cup isn't enough to distract the board from how bloody awful they've been in the league: "Even though I still have faith in the system, this is far from what we should expect with the squad we have," their chairman Raymond Johansen told TV2 this week. 

Mad Martin is in too much trouble already to start publicly disagreeing with his employer, so he naturally agreed. "He is spot on. After the cup final we will evaluate and possibly make changes," he said, which is manager-speak for "please please let me keep my job". 

Home win.

Lillestrøm (9th) - Fredrikstad (3rd)

Ha ha! Let's all point and laugh at Jon Anders Bjørkøy and Simen Brenne. Why? Because they both left Fredrikstad in favor of Lillestrøm because they wanted to win things. Idiots. 

Draw.

Nelson: Laughing at Brenne & Bjørkøy, like the rest of us

Strømsgodset (10th) - Aalesund (14th)

With HamKam expected to receive a good spanking at Nadderud this is the perfect opportunity of Kjetil Rekdal's strugglers to make up for lost ground. A win here would see them leapfrog HamKam in the table, but as many teams have discovered Strømsgodset are plucky buggers. There's also the small matter of Aalesund's woeful away-record (1-1-9) and Strømsgodset's perfectly decent home-record (6-1-4).

Home win.

Viking (6th) - Tromsø (2nd)

..and here's your weekly Wikipedia-edit, this time from Viking-manager Uwe Rösler's entry:

Uwe Rösler (born 15 November 1968 in Altenburg, East Germany) is a German football manager, philosopher and part-time jellyfish who is currently in charge of Viking in the Norwegian Premier League.

......

Philosophy

A little known fact about Rösler is that he is also a philosopher who is expected to earn significant posthumous acclaim. Following on from the teachings of Friedrich Nietzsche, Rösler has written several works of a philosophical nature such as "If God is dead, what am I?", "A complete survey of parallel planes of existence" and "The transcendental nature of the diving header".

Popularity

Rösler's groundbreaking theory that abusing referees is the modern age-equivalent of the Socratic dialogue has won him many friends, with prominent names such as Wayne Rooney, John Terry and Dean Windass all said to be followers of Rösler's teachings. The idea that one can achieve enlightenment simply by hurling as much abuse as humanly possible at a hapless man with a whistle has been disputed by some intellectuals, but according to Rooney "it's quite good actually". Frank Lampard has yet to acknowledge the school of thought, but has conceded that he thinks Uwe is a "top top philosopher, like a balled, East German-version of Jamie Redknapp".

The Jellyfish-Theory

Another one of Rösler's groundbreaking put somewhat perplexing theories is that one can reach a powerful sense of equilibrium by imitating a jellyfish. This theory was fully developed in his book "The Art of Aimlessness: A study of Jellyfish". On his spare-time Rösler has been known to float aimlessly about like a blob of translucent jelly. Sadly, this has had a hugely detrimental effect on his managing-career as several of Viking's players have decided to base their playing-style on the Jellyfish-theory, with Peter Ijeh in particular mystifying fans and pundits alike with his performances.

Draw.

Rösler: Ich bin eine qualle, sind Sie?

Lyn (7th) - Rosenborg (5th)

Rosenborg are through to the group-phase of that most ridiculously structured of competitions, the UEFA-Cup. They beat Danish side Brøndby 3-2 last night (5-3 on aggregate), even though they had to make do without Steffen Iversen who did what is in some circles referred to as "A Ronny Johnsen": He injured himself during the warm-up. 

Lyn have been on a bit of a downward spiral since their derby-win over Vålerenga, so expect Rosenborg to shake off their euro-hangover and get the job done here.

Away win.

Monday

Molde (12th) - Brann (8th)

Oh dear. One miracle wasn't followed by another. Brann are out of the UEFA-Cup. All they had to do was go to away to one of the most defensive teams in Europe, a team who had scored two goals in their last five games, and defend a 2-0 lead. But even though Deportivo had a man sent off in the first half it proved too tall an order for Mjelde's men and after a 2-0 home win they were dumped out on penalties.

Draw.

The Case For Kasey

During the summer-break Stabæk sent a rather cheeky fax to then title-rivals Fredrikstad asking if they would be interested in selling their captain. The answer was a predictably resounding "Bugger off you cheeky bastards", but there is every reason to suspect Stabæk will be back in for Kasey Wehrman this winter.

Wehrman: Wanted in Bærum

It's no secret that Stabæk's talismanic forward Daniel Nannskog is considering a return to his native Sweden when this season comes to a close. According to the man himself it's his wife who wants to move back to Stockholm, but Nannskog is also aware that at 34 years of age it's only a matter of time before he starts losing his explosive turn of pace, which would render him a much less terrifying adversary for defenders. Indeed, his current burst of form (six goals in the last three games) may well be the last one he has in him in the fast-paced and physical Tippeliga. Chances are he'll wish to go out on a high, finishing top-scorer in the Tippeliga and captaining Stabæk to a remarkable league and cup-double before retiring to the more pedestrian Swedish league where he'd still have a several good years left in him.

Stabæk have already signed his replacement on the pitch in Lyn's top-scorer Espen Hoff who will be joining the boys in blue next year, but while Hoff has similar characteristics to Nannskog on the pitch he is nothing like Nannskog personality-wise. Because Daniel Nannskog isn't just the most lethal forward in the land, he is also one of the most inspirational and iron-willed leaders we've seen in the Tippeliga in recent times: A true captain in the Franco Baresi sense of the word.

The importance of such a character to the social dynamics of a squad can not be underestimated. This season's Brann-side is an excellent example, as the departure of Mad Martin Andresen left them looking very much like a rudderless ship. It's hard to imagine Stabæk imploding quite so spectacularly, but there's no doubt that a personality such as Nannskog will leave a massive void in the dressing room. Which is where Kasey Wehrman comes in.

He might be an annoying git who goes crying to the press whenever his club doesn't roll over backwards for him, but Kasey Werhman is the closest thing to Nannskog we have in Norway in terms of leadership on the pitch. Werhman would also fill the Anthony Annan-shaped hole in Stabæk's midfield which we here at fjordball-towers keep harping on about. In other words: the opportunity to solve two big issues with one signing should by far outweigh the downsides of having such an unprofessional, whinging twit under contract. And if you take Wehrman's uncertain situation at Fredrikstad into account, it wouldn't be too much of a surprise to see the whinging Aussie playing in blue next season.